Have you heard the one about...you have?

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Went to see Seinfeld tonight at the Paramount. I saw him here in Seattle the last time he was touring. I think that was two years ago. In between, the movie The Comedian came out, documenting Jerry's motivation for returning to standup (despite his hundreds of millions of dollars), the stress of coming up with a routine, etc. I was expecting an hour plus worth of new material about the absurdity of the mundane.
So it was a shock when, just a short way into his routine, he told a joke he told last time. It took me a minute or two to process. I did a double take. Did he just tell that joke about the cereal called Life again? Did I put in the wrong DVD? Nope, it was true, Seinfeld was committing the comedic equivalent of the double dip. Same joke about the boredom of conversation during dating ("I want to sleep with you but I don't think I'm going to make it"), the tones of voice in marriage, the use of "ass" in conversation, the very fine line between "great" and "sucks", how his life sucks but not quite as badly as our lives sucked, and the concluding joke about the ice cream scoop that falls out of the cone onto the sidewalk.
Granted, about half the material, maybe a little more, was new. And some jokes are still funny the second time around. But even though these routines are meticulously rehearsed, the illusion of spontaneity is part of the entire experience, and hearing the exact same punchlines delivered the same way yet again burst that bubble. His material is still great, but I paid full price of $75 for about half a show of new material, and that sucked. I thought only the Dave Matthews Band got away with extorting their customers in concert year after year with the same material.
You know, Jerry was right, there isn't a that much difference between "great" and "sucks."
[Note: this isn't the first time I've heard Seinfeld reuse material. I heard him on David Letterman or one of those late night talk shows once, and he started spewing a bunch of jokes which I had read months earlier in his book.
I came home tonight and they were airing a Dave Chappelle standup concert on HBO, and I hadn't heard any of these jokes before, and while I can't reprint any of his jokes here for fear of offending someone, he was hilarious and I laughed my liver silly. So in the end, I did receive a full night's worth of new material.]

The worst of all possible permutations

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The Yankees and the Marlins. In the abstract, any World Series makes for compelling theater, but I doubt I'll watch a single game. Of all the permutations of the remaining four teams, this was the least attractive. It could be a competitive, entertaining, thrilling contest, but I see a matchup of the richest team in baseball versus a recent expansion team that drew only an average of 16K fans per game this year.
The whole thing left a bitter taste in my mouth. Then I realized it was the taste of blood from the fresh wound in my mouth. What a week.

Under the knife

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Up tomorrow morning: surgery to remove the cyst in my sinus. I can't say I'm excited by the idea of having docs cut through the roof of my mouth, but on a positive note, perhaps the cyst will weigh 10 pounds and its removal will transform me into a billy goat of a climber on the bike, and perhaps I'll suddenly be able to breathe so much more efficiently that I'll gain the lung capacity of an elephant.
Josh Beckett got nasty on the Cubs today. Yikes. I had him on my fantasy team this year and have seen him pitch before. Three plus pitches (fastball, curve, changeup), and all were filthy. Let's hope Mr. Prior can send them partying in the streets of Wrigleyville on Tuesday.
Christina and Eric took me to the Seahawks-49ers game today. It reminded me of how obnoxious football fans can be. I didn't have a rooting interest, but I did pity the few 49er fans in our section who had to put up with some boorish Seahawk fans. It amazes me that normal folks can feel justified to act like idiots because of the exploits of some sports team they've arbitrarily chosen for affiliation. No one bothered us, though, and Seattle squeaked out a win on a 49er missed extra point, 20-19.
At halftime, a whole bunch of local area high school cheerleaders put on a show. Like any male, I took a glance through my binoculars and did a double take. These were high school girls? Wow, they had been drinking their milk. Good lord. Then I realized I was looking at the Seahawks cheerleaders by mistake. Oops.
Sadie and I grabbed brunch this morning. She brought her parents along, too. She is a happy, grinning cutey, isn't she? She told me not to cry when I went under the knife and gave me one of her toys to gnaw on.


And Drago throws Rocky!

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Watching the Yanks and Red Sox game with Rich, and what a show!
Let's catalog the combatants:

  • Pedro appears to try and plug Karim Garcia with a fastball between the numbers. It's all interpretation, and Pedro is a bit wild today, but his control is decent enough that I'm tempted to think Pedro meant to throw at him.

  • Garcia pulls a loser move and tries to slide through Walker's knees at 2nd. Garcia wants a piece of Pedro, he should just go after him. This leads to the usual screaming from across the diamond, like a playground fight between a couple of toughies who aren't all that tough. I saw you want to brawl, then put up your fists. Give us Kyle Farnsworth pile-driving Paul Wilson through the turf, or Nolan Ryan lassoing Robin Ventura and pounding his head like a pork cutlet. All this shouting and chest-beating is ridiculous. Pedro points at his head as if saying he'll put a baseball in someone's head, but I say do it with your fists if you're going to do it.

  • Manny Ramirez takes offense at a pitch nowhere near his head. Manny is a great, great hitter, no doubt, but he's also someone that no one but a Red Sox fan could like. Terrible left-fielder, occasional loafer and showboater, and now somewhat of a crybaby.

  • Don Zimmer charges Pedro and gets tossed like a sack of potatoes. Pedro will get crucified for palming Zimmer's bald head like a watermelon, but Zimmer shouldn't be charging Martinez, especially at his age.


Of course, all this would be moot if players weren't so sensitive about being thrown at. This didn't happen in the old days. If Garcia just took his base after Pedro's pitch and didn't cry and scream about it, none of this would have happened.
Kerry Wood through a whole bunch of high and tight fastballs to the Marlins last night, and none of them charged the mound. Best revenge on a pitcher that throws inside or hits you is to knock him out of the game the conventional way, with your bat.
But hot damn, it makes for great television. Thankfully, the umps didn't toss anyone out of the game. If a brawl breaks out, you can bet I'll be watching. Can Ben Affleck run out there and participate? Please?
[And for once, I agree with the Fox announcers. If there wasn't the DH in the AL, we'd get to see Pedro batting against Clemens, and vice versa. Alright, who doesn't want to see that, please raise your hands? And another benefit of the fighting is it seems to have woken Pedro and Clemens up. They're throwing harder, pitching sharper. We got ourselves a ballgame! Let's hope the Red Sox can tie this thing up.]

The West Wing, then and now

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David was gracious enough to let me write the editorial review of The West Wing Season One DVD box set for Amazon. Season One and Season Two are awesome--highly recommended to all.
But after three episodes this season, I'm sad to report that the show has lost something. Maybe it's the loss of Sorkin? The dialogue just doesn't snap anymore, and the whole kidnapping drama in the first two episodes was distracting and overblown. The show is best when it focuses on the natural tension of politics in the most powerful administration in the world, and not when it relies on shootings and kidnappings and other contrived drama.

NLCS Weekend in Chicago Oct 4-5

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Mike, Joannie, and Dad getting on the CTA brown line to head to Wrigley.


Walking to Wrigley down Addison.


The grand dame herself, a glorious structure from another age.


One of the most frightening statues anywhere. Harry Caray doing his best Frankenstein impression, with some random disembodied heads at his feet. What are those, souls he has absorbed like so many bratwursts? Aww, just kidding Harry, we miss you. Wish you could be here watching your Cubbies in the playoffs.


After the loss Saturday, on Sunday it was time to turn to the good luck charm known as the dashboard monk. You want a piece of me, Robert Fick?


Cubs win! Cubs win!


Time to pop the bubbly.


Toasting our Cubbies. Champagne never tasted sweeter.


Red Sox vs. Cubs: 7 games and counting

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We're 7 victories away from a Cubs/Red Sox World Series. It's something I might never see again in my lifetime [I don't think it's every happened in the history of baseball, either], though the two teams seem to be set up well for the next several years. That Red Sox offense is scary. Adam and Jenny already offered their place if the Cubs make it. I'm having surgery Monday to remove that cyst which will leave me unable to speak or eat for a few days, but even if I'm medicated and in a hospital gown I'm walking out of that hospital and getting to the Cubs World Series games, if they somehow by the grace of Lady Luck make it there [I have to attach disclaimers to all these thoughts because of the inevitable possibility of jinxing my team].
Are knuckleballers cool or what? Here are guys who can barely throw as hard as I can, baffling major league hitters. Are there any such physical aberrations in any other sport? Football? Basketball? Hockey? I can't think of any. Maybe tennis. There are some weirdos in tennis, who hit forehands and backhands on the same side of the racket, or hit two-handed off both sides, things like that.
Alan called to give me a feel of the atmosphere at Yankee Stadium. He was sitting in the bleachers for game one. He said all the Yankee fans were shouting at the few Red Sox fans to get their attention, and when those citizens of Red Sox Nation turned around, about 50 or 60 Yankee fans would scream "A$$hole!!" and flip them off.
You've got to love that Yankee Red Sox rivalry. If I end up at either Fenway or Yankee Stadium, I'll be giving as good as I get.

NLCS Game Two

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What's worse, getting Steve Lyon again, or having to put up with that blowhard Tim McCarver? Well, the Cubs get relegated to FX and the Brennaman, Lyons, Leiter crew.
My palms are sweating. There are never any guarantees in baseball, even with Prior pitching. Cubbies need this one badly. In the playoffs, every game seems to be a must win, doesn't it?
Top of the 1st: Good, Fox has the radar gun back on tonight. Hard to tell how a pitcher is feeling late in the game without some raw data, like velocity.
Fox shows a stat that Grudzielanek had a fielding percentage of .986, third in the NL this year. I've never thought his range was all that great, though. What was his zone rating? Range factor? Do any sites online keep those stats?
That dude in the red shirt in the front row? Cubs fan? Throw him out for interfering with Bako on that pop-up. If IRod comes back to do some damage, that fan should be tarred and feathered. The fans start chanting "A$$hole, a$$hole." Serves the guy right. Rich yuppie idiot. This is the NLCS, you fool! If Pudge ended up with a hit and I were at the stadium, I would have run down there and whupped his butt.
Fortunately, Prior is smart enough not to throw the free-swinging Pudge a strike. Prior's pitching IQ is high. Whiff.
Cabrera's going to be a good hitter. Prior wins this matchup, but I'm definitely renewing Cabrera in my keeper league next year.
Bottom of the 1st: Pudge gets crossed up on signs on a pitch two to Alou and nearly takes a fastball in the, uhh, jewels. Brennaman miscalls it as a pitch in the dirt, and Leiter correctly notes it was a cross-up. Leiter's commentary on the pitching is growing on me. He doesn't have the best TV voice, but as a smart pitcher he's offering the type of insight which Steve Lyons, as the color commentator, should be providing.
Bases loaded. Simon up. Swings at everything. Penny is wild. Who will win?
Simple Simon wins, taking a fastball away through the hole b/t SS and 3B! Simon is a love-him/hate-him player. Most of the time you're screaming, wondering why he's swinging at every pitch, no matter where it is. But then he'll swat some ball a foot out of the strike zone for a hit and you find yourself cheering wildly. Plus, he has that whole crazy routine where he points at the dugout with his right hand as soon as he reaches first while his left hand gropes madly for his 10 pound gold chain. I feel you brutha, and hope you keep bringing the bling.
Top of the 2nd: My first near heart attack as the Fish get men on 1st and 3rd, nobody out. But Prior pitches out of it. On the topic of Prior's baseball IQ, one always feels Prior is using pitch selection and location to attack hitters, while pitchers like Zambrano and to an extent Wood worry about pitch selection but can't execute on the location. With the stuff those guys have, it's not always a problem, but if they had the ability to locate they'd be, well, like Kevin Brown and Roger Clemens.
In between innings, they show the Rafael Palmeiro Viagra commercial for the eight millionth time. I wish the Cubbies had kept Palmeiro and his 500+ home runs, but I'm not sure I'd be that excited to see him pushing Viagra while in a Cubs uniform either.
Bottom of the 2nd: Penny's location is off. C'mon Cubbies, let's give him the early knockout. Let's give the Fish bullpen a workout.
Grudzielanek doesn't agree with the check swing call. Again, I reiterate, a check swing is not defined in baseball's rule book. The umps just make a guess. If everyone works on a common understanding, then fine, but what is that common understanding? C'mon MLB, let's clean up this hole in the rule book.
Lofton swipes 2nd. Good baserunner. On offense, Lofton is just plain fun to watch. He's a classic pesky leadoff disrupter.
SAMMY! Dear lord, he hit that one halfway to Michigan! Yeeeee haaaaaaa! WOW! The expression on Lofton's face as he watched Sosa's bomb sail out? Priceless.
Top of the 3rd: Wow, that Pudge is a tough hitter. You'd think someone who swings at everything would be easy to pitch. He can hit the fastball away and the fastball in, but given that he's taking the pitch away to right so well right now, I'd like to see the Cubs pound him on the fists and then go away with the breaking stuff.
These Fish are tough on offense because they're good fastball hitters, and they all happen to be pretty hot right now. They'll make it tough on Cubs pitching the whole series.
Commercial for Kill Bill. I'm all over that this weekend. Tarantino gets far too much credit for originality [Any HK film fan can cite any number of action sequences and plot point he's borrowed from, and his mundane pop-cultural dialogue smacks of David Lynch], however, that doesn't mean his movies aren't entertaining. Kill Bill is supposedly based on those old chopsocky revenge flicks, and my dad used to rent a ton of those. Love that stuff. As Mike noted, it's not clear that Uma deserves to don Bruce's yellow tracksuit, but I'll assume it's homage and withhold judgment.
Commercial for Armageddon. Do you realize Michael Bay's silly action flick got a Criterion treatment? How did that happen? Years later, we'll look back and wonder how that happened, like Brady Anderson hitting 50 HR's in one season. In fact, Michael Bay has two movies that have gone Criterion: The Rock is the other. The Rock is a lot of fun, though.
On a positive note, both Le Cercle Rouge, Tokyo Story, and Schizopolis are getting the Criterion makeover and hit stores Oct. 28. Good stuff.
Bottom of the 3rd: Bringing in Nate Bump is like waving the white flag. Hopefully this means Dusty can keep Prior's pitch count down today. When Paul Bako gets in on the act and starts pounding balls off of the ivy, you know things are going your way.
This is just what the Cubbies needed today, a laugher.
Bottom of the 5th: Leiter provides more good insight, saying Pudge should have blocked a Helling pitch instead of trying to backhand it. Good call.
Then again, Leiter says Helling is coming in and stemming the bleeding, and then Gonzalez turns on a Helling fastball and hits it onto Waveland where hundreds of loonies fight over the ball. 10-0. I predict Juan Cruz will get some innings tonight.
Fox shows an ad for Skin [some absurd modernization of the Romeo and Juliet story, if the commercials are to be believed] on the faux green screen banner behind homeplate. What a disgrace.
Ken calls. We wonder if Prior can just sit down now and come back and pitch Saturday.
Top of the 6th: Leiter notes that a pitch to Conine, which was a strike, is called a ball because Bako set up inside and had to reach outside. Leiter is growing on me everyday.
Conine gets doubled off of 1st with his team trailing by 9.
I think it's time to get Prior out of there. C'mon Dusty, give the guy a rest.
Top of the 7th: Why is Prior still in this game? Sometimes Dusty Baker drives me crazy. I scream at the TV, and he never listens, leaving his young arms in to work and work and work. They're hitting Prior hard tonight. Is someone up in the Cubs bullpen? Why not? If Prior walks out to the mound the next inning I'm going to cry.
Bottom of the 7th: Why don't they show the 7th inning stretch on Fox? Because they're grubbing money. That's extra commercial time for Fox. Greedy bastards. I want to see who's singing. When are they bringing Bill Murray back?
Brennaman says Prior is heading back out there. I thought with O'Leary pinch-hitting they were going to the double switch. But no, Dusty will stretch Prior out for no good reason. Dusty!
Top of the 8th: I'm counting pitches now. Now the Fox announcers are talking pitch counts. Leiter says he isn't high on pitch counts, but Prior has gone over 130 pitches in 3 straight starts. This is plainly a weakness of Dusty Baker, and as much as I think he's a great leader and straight-up guy, as a manager of pitcher's he's just very poor. Why risk your franchise arm? In a 10 run game, no less?
I'm almost glad Simon drops that throw from Grudzielanek so Baker is forced to pull Prior. Even not at his best, Prior still fights the whole game. Stud. He deserves a rest. Prior shakes his head walking off the field. Competitive guy; he knows he wasn't at his best tonight. The Fish hit him pretty hard tonight, but with a big lead he didn't mess around and that's the right approach.
Bottom of the 8th: Michael Tejera's first pitch is one of the wildest pitches I've ever seen, landing in the stands. That will his claim to fame for the rest of his life.
We'll also be seeing shots of that little girl cradling that foul ball. Cute.
Speaking of Kill Bill, Ken and I ponder the utter stupidity of Ethan Hawke, who cheated on Uma Thurman. Uma Thurman? How do you even leave her lying in bed in the morning to go to work?
I know you have two kids, Uma, but I am here for you babe. My poetry is better than Ethan's, too.
Top of the 9th: And that's all she wrote, as Karros makes a nice diving stop and then flips to Guthrie for the barehanded catch. Think the Cubs are loose, what with a 9-run lead?
Not much suspense tonight, but I will take that every game if it means Cubs victories. Every game.

NLCS Game One

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Top of the first: Zambrano is pretty straightforward as a pitcher. He doesn't try to locate the ball precisely. He rears back, throws that nasty, heavy sinker over the plate, and dares you to hit it. He looks like he's overthrowing a bit--you can tell because his sinker flattens out. But when he doesn't overthrow it tails down and away to lefties, and down and in on the hands of righties. Nasty, and he shatteres one of Derek Lee's bats with one of those. Derek Lowe threw two such beauties to end yesterday's game
One thing I hate: umpires don't call strikes strikes if the ball misses the catcher's glove.
Gonzalez and Grudzielanek nearly collide on Lee's popup. Johnny Damon may miss a few games in the ALCS because he and Damian Jackson ran into each other. Do professionals not know how to call for the ball? Sheesh. I learned that in Little League. Waving your arms does no good if the other fielder is looking in the sky for the ball. You have to use those things in your throat called vocal chords.
Bottom of the first: Alan calls. He's stuck on a bus somewhere in Manhattan. He asks if I'm watching the game. Yes, it's a rhetorical question. I tell him Lofton has walked and that I'll give him updates as they occur.
The announcers praise Dusty Baker for having Grudzielanek trying to bunt Lofton over. In the first inning? Whatever. If your #2 hitter isn't good enough to swing away in the first inning, you're in trouble. Fortunately, they then let Grudzielanek swing away and he triples over Pierre's head in center, plating Lofton. I call Alan.
"What happened?" he asks as soon as he picks up.
"Grudz plated Lofton with a triple. Center fielder misplayed it and fell down."
"That's what I'm talking about." That's our phrase. During the Cubs clinching game 5 against the Braves, we were both watching on TV and called each other to say that just about every inning.
Alou homers! I call Alan again. That's what I'm talking about.
Right away, Ramirez hammers a Beckett fastball. I'm on the phone to Alan again. Then Gonzalez singles and Conine misplays it into a double. I'm on the phone to Alan again. I should just put him on speakerphone.
Good to jump on Beckett early. He's not the type of pitcher you expect to blow out, and if he gets things together he could put up a lot of zeroes later. Perhaps it was first inning jitters for the Fish.
Zambrano has to be feeling really good. Just throw sinkers over the plate, nothing fancy, and dare the Fish to hit them. Do that enough and this game could be over.
If by the grace of the baseball gods the Cubs should make it past the Fish, you can't go wrong with either the Red Sox or Yankees. The Red Sox vs. Cubs would obviously make a great story. And the Yankees are pretty much as despicable a team as there is. They're the good-looking, wealthy, snobbish neighbor everyone loves to hate. And, if the Yanks make it, Alan and I can fly back and forth between Chicago and NYC to catch every game.
Between 2nd and 3rd: Commercial for Intolerable Cruelty. A strange choice for a Coen brothers movie, huh? I'll see it, of course. I hope I'm half as studly as Clooney at his age. Zeta-Jones still looks smoking. Why did she marry that old fart?
Top of the 3rd: Another triple, this from Pierre. There will be a lot of triples in this series, especially in the more spacious confines of Pro Player Stadium, with speedsters like Pierre and Castillo and the slow Cubs outfield.
Zambrano walks Castillo. Just what he didn't want to do with a big lead. Carlos! Just throw strikes and force the other team to hit the ball to beat you. With stuff like he has, there's no reason to walk anyone.
And Pudge pounds one deep into the seats. That's why you don't want to walk anyone. Didn't look like a sinker, either. A sinker that flattened out, perhaps. Zambrano is off and has been for several starts now. Is he fatigued, or just overthrowing? Hard to tell. He still has very good velocity.
Another flat fastball, and Cabrera pounds a frozen rope into left field. That ball may have killed one of the spectators.
And now Encarnacion pounds a missile of a homer. From feeling on top of the world to burying my face in my hands. Zambrano's sinker ain't sinking. Is it his release point? Should he go more 3-quarters instead of over the top?
To add insult to injury, Fox has superimposed that ugly faux billboard on the wall behind home plate at Wrigley. I had Beckett, Cabrera, Encarnacion, and Pudge on my fantasy baseball teams this year, so I have a very good idea of how good they can be. Sigh.
Bottom of the third: Alou grounds into a double play. The Cubs have grounded into about 98 double plays this playoff series. The Cubs have zero speed in their starting lineup--Lofton used to be fast, and now he's just quick.
Top of the fourth: Bako throws out Pierre. The Cubs were surprisingly good at stopping running games this year, considering how many power pitchers they have with big leg kicks.
Bottom of the fourth: Steve Lyon comments on the fact that Pudge stands up high to receive what would seem to be a high fastball. Even though Pudge then sits down, it reminds me that I've seen a lot of that in this postseason, catchers standing nearly as tall as the batter to receive a high fastball. Very strange, especially with runners on base who can obviously telegraph the pitch location to the batter.
Crap. Stella, err, Beckett has got his groove back.
Top of the fifth: Why is Al Leiter color commentating? Good pitcher. Terrible announcer. Steve Lyon isn't going to win any awards for his insight either. Thom Brennaman is working with the B team for Fox.
Bottom of the fifth: Zambrano just barehanded a Beckett curve on a bounce. Why isn't anyone commenting on that? Wow. He has a good at-bat but gets blown away by Beckett cheese on 3-2. I have a sinking feeling. When Beckett gets his stuff going, he is an ace.
Top of the sixth: Beckett is bunting with two outs and two strikes and pops one foul, striking out. Why is he bunting with two strikes and two outs? I have no idea. The Fish score one in the inning and are now up 6-4. I think I'm having an ulcer, or the onset of severe and sudden depression. Is there such a thing?
Bottom of the sixth: Gonzo goes with the pitch and hits an opposite-field 2-run homer!!! Oh yeah!! Oh yeah!! I'm dancing by myself in my room! The depression has lifted! It's better than Prozac! A guy who tries to pull just about every pitch suddenly goes to right?! Only in the playoffs baby!
Top of the seventh: Could Kyle Farnsworth be growing up in front of our eyes? Once a total head case, he has been very solid in these playoffs, and if he comes out of the postseason with solid #'s, his confidence will be sky high next year. His breaking stuff is nothing special, but it's all set up by the cheese. That 100mph fastball he struck out Derek Lee on? As Janet Jackson might say...NASTY.
Bottom of the seventh: Cubs blow a great chance. Grudzielanek swings at everything and pops out, and Sammy's heat seeker is snared on a short hop by Gonzalez. Damn!
Top of the eighth: Go Farnsworth! Kyle looks like a bodybuilding frat boy. Keep him away from your sister. Surprisingly, he has looked timid on the mound in the past. If he ever became as cocky and confident on the mound as he looks off of it, watch out.
Bottom of the eighth: Pinch-hitting Goodwin? Sure, he had a hit the other day, but you just don't catch lightning twice, even if your name is Dusty Baker. Here's where you really wish Dusty had carried Hee Seop Choi. As expected, the light-hitting Goodwin strikes out.
Earlier, Alou was out at second on a force. If the Cubs had any team speed, they would have gotten that base.
Top of the ninth: Grudzielanek misplays a grounder, allowing Pierre to reach second, and to make things worse, the Cubs fail to get Castillo at first. That's where the difference in team speed gives the Fish an Edge over the Cubs. The Cubs need to out-homer the Fish--it's like a grizzly chasing fish in a stream. An error like this always leads to bad things. Sure enough, Pudge drives home two. The Big Borowski has let us down. I'm on the phone with Dan the whole time. I tell Dan I have to hang up and slit my wrists.
I receive Apple's iTunes New Music Tuesdays e-mail. Hey, the iTunes Music Store just added the White Stripes. If the Cubs fail to score, I'll have to buy some tunes to console myself.
Bottom of the ninth: Fox shows a graphic saying the Cubs have lost 66 straight games after trailing after 8 innings. Please let this act as a reverse jinx. As soon as the graphic displays, Lofton pulls a double down the first base line. McKeon argues. Jack, watch out you don't have a heart attack.
Oh, they show the stat on how Sammy is 1 for 11 in the postseason. How Sammy has never hit a postseason home run. This has to be a reverse jinx.
OOHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!!!!! SAMMY GOES WAVELAND!! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT BABY!!! No lying, Sang bursts through my door, my cell phone receives 3 calls (Dan, Alan, Rich) and my land line rings (Joannie) all within 2 seconds. I'm answering, screaming for two seconds, hanging up, and picking up the next call, deftly, one after the other. 10% of my hairs have turned gray in the last two hours.
Top of the 10th: Alou with the diving catch! Cubs got the mo now! Just to scare me, though, Fox shows Guthrie and Alfonseca warming up. Sacre bleu! Please let the Cubs win in the bottom half, before either of those two batting machines gets in the game.
Top of the 11th: Oh no, it's Mark Guthrie. We're into the dregs of our bullpen. And sure enough, Mike Lowell pops a homer out into center in the wind. The EKG of my mood has entered a valley of death yet again. The Cubbies can't come back from this one, can they?
Oh dear, now they're bringing in Alfonseca, El Guapo. Let's ensure that Guthrie never pitches in any game of any import again, okay Dusty? He blew the game Saturday, and now he's given up the lead again. Of course, this is like going from the frying pan into the fryer. The only thing bigger than Alfonseca's waistline is his ERA. Dear god, please let him hold the Fish down, somehow, some way.
There goes Castillo, stealing on Alfonseca who has a terribly slow motion. No pitchout? No throw to first? I have a sinking feeling. An intentional walk to Pudge. Only a miracle can prevent utter disaster now. Cubs fans were admonished earlier this year for booing whenever Alfonseca is brought into the game, but c'mon. Why do you think it is that we boo? If a monkey gets shocked a few seconds after a red light comes on, is it any surprise when they start to flinch the next time the red light appears?
Another walk. El Guapo is delivering, as usual. Finally Veres gets up in the bullpen. Why wasn't he up to lead off this inning? Everyone in the stadium knew if Guthrie came in that Lowell would pinch hit. Even if Veres had been brought in, who else would McKeon pinch hit? Brian Banks? Heck, if McKeon wanted to get the lefty-right matchup, bring in Veres and force McKeon to go to Lenny No-hit Harris! Oh Dusty, Dusty.
There's our miracle. Cabrera scorches a liner to short and Martinez doubles Pudge off of second. Damn Guthrie and Alfonseca. Bums. It never fails. In the playoffs, you never seem to be able to hide your weaknesses. Bring in your bum pitchers, they pitch like bums. Red Sox and Cubs fans can empathize over our vulnerable bullpens this year.
Bottom of the 11th: 1-2-3. There's the ballgame. I feel empty. I feel nothing. Someone make this pain go away. I want to curl up and vomit.

Prior engagement

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5:08PM: The Cubs are in a rain delay, and they're showing the tail end of the Marlins-Giants game. Jeff Conine, leading off the bottom of the 11th, hits a lazy fly down the right field line. Thinking it will be caught or go foul or both, Conine just strolls down the 1B line holding his bat. And then Jose Cruz Jr. drops the ball. Oops. Conine wasn't hustling, though, and only gets to first base.
Is there any excuse for not hustling on every ball in the playoffs? You see major leaguers just trotting down to first base on grounders and it has to make you sick, that these professionals making millions of dollars hustle less than your average little league player. Pitchers that jog down to first like old ladies? Weak.
But the Marlins still make the Giants pay. Pudge punches a fastball away through the right side, and there's no way you get the speedy Pierre from 2nd with the winning run. Wow. Giants are up against it now.
5:40pm: Prior is off. The ball must be hard to grip, because Prior is missing Miller and his spots by a wide margin. Or is it nerves? This, from the man everyone is claiming has perfect pitching mechanics? But then he rips off a beauty of a curve to get Lopez.
Prior may be the new sports messiah of Chicago. Someone everyone feels absolutely confident in and yet still lives up to expectations. Not since Jordan has Chicago's faith been so rewarded.
6:04pm: Randall Sausage Simon pulls his hands in and fists a single! Before he rounds first he's already going for the gold, buried below four turtlenecks and jerseys. Rich, Dan, and I snort beer through our nose watching him pound his chest and hold up his necklace. Who the hell is he pointing to? Dusty Baker and his gold? Who cares, he's the man right now. You'd think Maddux would dominate a free-swinger like Simon, especially with two strikes.
6:40pm: Dan and I suddenly get an impulse to fly to Chicago for tomorrow's game. 4 tickets are going for $1025 on eBay right now. Hmmm. I start examining ticket prices on Southwest, Priceline, Expedia. The wheels are turning. "You'll make the money back, Weegie," says Rich. "You'll never recover your youth." His warning reverberates from the other side of marriage like a voice of doom. I'm shaken.
7:12pm: I'm high bidder on 4 tickets! Not the 4 tickets I mentioned before, which sold for $1025. Cheaper, and since the auction doesn't end until tomorrow morning, the seller says he'll close off the auction at 5pm CST. It's now past 5pm CST. Why isn't the seller responding to my e-mails? I'm high bidder.
Meanwhile, Wrigley Field is the Cubs 10th player tonight, its slick infield causing Braves fielders to slip and slide all over the place. Andruw Jones runs past an Alou single, and Sosa goes to third. But swing-be-free Simon tries to pull an outside sinker and the result is predictable: groundout to 2nd. Why isn't this seller contacting me?!?
7:20pm: Prior's fastball gets away and nails Sheffield on his left wrist. Not throwing at him, obviously, but the Braves lineup certainly looks a lot less intimidating with him out of it.
7:39pm: Ryno leading the 7th inning stretch! Is that a good omen? Must be. I had a poster of him on my wall growing up. I hope Bill Murray is singing tomorrow. Could the Cubs win the World Series and Bill Murray an Oscar within a half year? Could life be as beautiful as it is in a Victoria's Secret TV commercial?
Facing Prior on a cold, damp day like this has got to be brutal. Just throw the ball over the plate and let the hitters try to muscle the ball out of Wrigley or through that damp, tall infield grass. Just won't happen. If the Cubs grounds crew was smart, they let the grass grow real tall. Cubs want low, low scoring games.
8:00pm: Seller calls. The tix are mine! She wants cash, unmarked bills, delivered by my sister, no questions asked. But she has a question for me. Am I a Cub fan?
Lady, I'm flying out from Seattle for one game. Am I a fan?
She's happy. She wanted her tickets to go to a real fan.
I call my sister, tell her to pawn off some of her jewelry and to stuff the cash in a brown paper sack. I feed her the drop point coordinates.
8:24pm: Cubs Win! Cubs Win! And not only that, I've got my 4 tix from eBay for tomorrow's game, and I just used airlines miles to book flight to Chicago tomorrow morning. The guy on the phone hears why I'm going, and despite not being a Cub fan, books me first class.
I'm going to game 4!!!
12:00am: Packing up for my flight in a few hours. Dan and I took in The Rundown after the ballgame. Terrible movie, one of the worst I've seen. Ebert gave this turd of a movie 3.5 stars. Roger's a smart guy, sharp writer, but senility may be setting in. Even Christopher Walken in one of his wacky cameos can't save this one. But hey, nothing can dampen my spirits right now.
If you leave the Lost in Translation soundtrack on, after the last track Just Like Honey by Jesus and Mary Chain, after an eternity, the audio from Bill Murray singing More than This by Roxy Music at that Japanese karaoke bar comes on. One of those secret bonus tracks. Beautiful. I listen to it on loop, over and over.
Bill, see you at Wrigley tomorrow! Oh, I mean today!

Liar

in
I hate that whenever I ask someone what their greatest weakness is, they respond with:
"I work too hard."
"I'm too detail-oriented."
"I don't know when to let go--I always want to maximize profits. I really should loosen up sometime."
"I get too emotionally invested in my work."
So I always qualify the question with a list of unacceptable responses.
But really, candidates need to lighten up and give honest answers. No one is perfect, nor do good interviewers expect perfection. Something that all great geniuses seem to share is an obsession over past mistakes. I remember hearing an interview with Michael Jordan where he gave a very honest assessment of his game relative to that of Scottie Pippen, noting that Pippen at that point in their careers was a better 3-point shooter and defender. If you obsess over your failures, you're less likely to repeat them.
Jordan was unafraid to fail and to confront his weaknesses. So he missed some game-winning shots (Game 1, first NBA Championship game against the Lakers, 1991). He made a lot of them, too (umm, every NBA Championship Game that mattered against the Jazz).
Timid boasting is unappealing also. If you're good at some things, don't be afraid to toot your own horn. But don't give yourself these sheepish backhand compliments.

For Cubs fans only

in
When the Cubbies make the playoffs, you have to deal with my endless ramblings on baseball. That happens, well...it's happened only three times in my life until now. 1984, 1989, 1998.
I was still battling the flu bug all day. The past two days I've lost about ten pounds in snot. It's disgusting but true. I've had these occasional dizzy spells, but the most noticeable symptom right now is my leaky nose. Arriving home just as the first inning was starting, I immediately downed a tablespoon of Vicks 44D. Wow! That stuff must be 100 proof. I kept the bottle close as I knew I might need to take a few shots during the game to calm my nerves.
Dan came by with pizza, a gracious supporter of the Cubs now that his Reds were home for the playoffs. And then the first pitch was tossed and the game was on. A recap of this Cubs' fans thoughts during one tense evening...

  • Inning one. Kenny Lofton was a steal for the Cubs. A true leadoff guy. Sure, it would be nice to have Patterson healthy to patrol centerfield, but then who would lead off for the Cubbies? Lofton is a vet and doesn't seem to be fazed by the playoff atmosphere.

  • Inning two. Wood swipes a Castilla groundball behind his back and makes it look casual. I know right away I'll be able to watch this highlight for the rest of my life and it will never get old.

  • Top of the third: Wood hits a single. I actually feel more confident when Wood or Prior are at bat than when Alex Gonzalez, Troy O'Leary, Paul Bako, Tony Womack, Doug Glanville are standing at the plate. The Cubs have some terrible hitters on their roster--it's a miracle they made the playoffs. Anyway, why are pitchers such terrible hitters anyway? Aren't they the best athletes on their high school teams? I think I'd look better at the plate than most pitchers. Sosa strikes out. He looks terrible right now, swinging at everything and trying to pull every pitch. Sosa's the type of hitter that just doesn't inspire any fear in the playoffs the way someone like Bonds does because he's still got some fundamental holes in his swing. Will he just try to hit to right for once?

  • Bottom of the third: how did Giles turn around an inside Wood fastball? And Giles is 5' 8"? That's like my height! Ridiculous.

  • Fourth: Cubs blow a bases loaded no out situation because Gonzalez and Bako strike out (what a surprise) and Wood pops out. Moments like this can instantly sap any Cubs fan of all hope because of the weight of history, polluting our memories. But at least the Cubs hitters look to be patient, and the ump has a tight, tight strike zone tonight. If we can just get Ortiz out and get to the Braves middle relievers...

  • Top of fifth: Sosa tries to pull yet another pitch away and rolls over it and into an inning-ending double play. Sammy, Sammy. Please go to right field. Please.

  • Fifth inning. Kerry Wood doesn't seem to have the big overhand curve going today. It's almost all fastballs and sliders. Maybe he couldn't get it going in the bullpen during warmups. Too bad. Wood once struck out Chipper Jones on two curves that Jones said "even God couldn't hit." Wood threw a few curves, but they seemed to hang up and roll instead of snapping down like the knee-buckling snapdragon that turns batters to stone. He hangs one to Fick who crushes it, but way foul. Okay, Kerry, stick with the slider and heat.

  • They're showing shots of Kerry Wood's wife every inning now. Wow, she's quite attractive. Go Kerry.

  • Top of the sixth: Cubbies load the bases. Baker decides he doesn't want Gonzalez striking out yet again to kill this potential rally. Sends free-swinging Simon to the plate. Seems like a good idea. Ortiz has to throw strikes with the bases jammed, and Simon swings at everything, even teenager girls dressed up as sausages. Simon swings the bat like he's trying to swat a bee that's attacking him. Whiff. If the Cubs blow this rally again, I may kill myself. And then Bako, he of the .229 batting average, hits a slow grounder to first. I immediately think double play. And then Fick boots it!! Thank you Robert Fick! Bako is so slow he still gets nailed at first, but the Cubbies have tied it. And now Wood is up, and I feel better than when Bako was up. And Kerry crushes it into left center! Dan and I are screaming our lungs off; I think it has to be out of the stadium! But it bounces just short of the wall. Still, it plates two, and sore throat and all, I'm howling with joy. Cox bring in Ray King to face Lofton. When did Ray King gain all that weight? Sheesh. Lofton hits a short flare to center. Of course Andruw Jones, the human web gem and best center fielder I've ever seen, will nab it. But what's this?! He lets it drop! Wood scores and Cubs are up 4-1! Jones has definitely lost a step in center this year. Jones of two years ago definitely catches that one. Atlanta's defense is handing us some gifts.

  • Seventh inning: Wood is wild tonight, but as is his pattern, he can be wildly effective. If you don't know where his pitch will be, it's tough to hit it because all his pitches are nasty. He'll either strike you out or walk you, and tonight he's doing a lot of each.

  • Eighth inning: Wood has runners on 1st and 2nd, and Sheffield is up. Sheff is scary. It doesn't matter who's pitching. Until their fastball is in the catcher's mitt, Sheff can turn it around instantly with one snap of his wrists. Sheff walks and the bases are jammed. The winning run is coming to the plate in the form of Chipper Jones. You have to turn him around to the right side with the lefty. Yep, that's what Baker's doing. Gutsy effort, Kerry.

  • Chipper was out!! The first base ump misses the call and calls him safe on what would have been an inning-ending double play ball. Ah my Cubs fatalism, honed over years of tragedy, rises up in my throat. And Baker is bringing in Farnsworth, the biggest head case ever. Can things get any worse? Farnsworth looks like he's hyperventilating, and he immediately walks the first batter he faces, Andruw Jones. Bases are jammed. Bring in Borowski, Dusty! Oh no, Borowski just started warming up! Where's Dave Veres? I have no confidence in Farnsworth in tight situations. The only time I want to see him is when there's no one on base. But then he induces a hard-hit grounder but one that's hit right at Martinez who's in at short now. Martinez nearly tosses the ball past Grudzielanek, but maybe it is the Cubs year. Inning over, 4-2 lead.

  • Top of the ninth. Sosa gets thrown out trying to stretch a single into a double. The commentators say it's a great play by Sammy. I say it's idiotic running on Sheff, an accurate thrower from the outfield. Undisciplined risk-taking is just stupid. Well, at least Sosa went to right.

  • Bottom of the ninth. JBorowski. I love JB. Gutsy Polish retread from the Mexican league, good control, throws strikes, gutsy. He usually makes it exciting, but he makes opponents hit the ball to beat him. Best reliever in the Cubs bullpen. And though he does bring the tying run to the plate, he proceeds to strike Furcal out with a fastball down the middle. Why Furcal takes it I have no idea. I don't care. I'm screaming, crying tears of joy. The first Cubs playoff win since 1989, when I was 15 years old.


I feel amazingly well. Maybe it's because I've downed the entire bottle of Vicks 44D over the past two hours. Is that bad?
Braves and Yankee fans may laugh at how excited Cubs fans get over every win, but the fact that the Braves don't even sell out their playoff baseball games anymore tells me they don't deserve to go the World Series. The Cubs will never not sell out Wrigley for a playoff game, even if they made the playoffs 12 years straight.
I switch immediately to Baseball Tonight to catch highlights. I can't imagine tiring of seeing the Cubs highlights from this game anytime soon.

  • Johan Santana is a lot of fun to watch. He has filthy stuff, and he could very well dominate the Yankees in his next start. Still, leaving a game because of leg cramps? I've never heard of a pitcher getting knocked out by leg cramps.

  • Pat Gillick is out as Mariners GM. Good. He should be embarrassed for doing nothing the last two years to improve what was clearly a team that needed stretch run help to go anywhere.

  • Steve Kline of the Cardinals says he hopes Mark Prior "takes a line drive on the head and we never have to see him again". The Cubs Cardinals rivalry is as hot as it's ever been. I can tell because I feel a visceral hatred for the Cardinals, for that most overrated of hothead managers, Tony Larussa, for Matt Morris and his ridiculous little goatee, and now for Steve Kline, some ridiculous left-handed specialized relief pitching nobody. I hope he has to come to bat against one of the Cubs pitchers next year, especially Prior. Or maybe Farnsworth. Plunk that little punk in his ass with a 98 mph fastball and see how tough he talks. And if he charges the mound, give him a good little smackdown like Nolan Ryan on Robin Ventura.


Tomorrow, the best pitcher I've ever seen, Pedro, goes to the mound, against another stud, Tim Hudson. Isn't playoff baseball awesome?
Living on the West Coast is brutal at these times. I'll have to miss the Cubs game while I'm off in Tacoma for business. Go Tivo. Go Cubs!

A day of popcorn

in
From lordoftherings.net:
From December 5 - 11, the studio will release 100-150 35mm prints of the Special Extended Edition of The Fellowship of the Ring in cities across the country. On December 12 - 15, these prints will be replaced with Special Extended Edition prints of The Two Towers. On Monday, December 8, and Monday, December 15, both films will be presented back-to-back. Then, on Tuesday, December 16, participating theaters will show a one-time-only marathon of both Extended Edition prints followed by an 11pm screening of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. The official opening of the film will commence at 12:01 AM on Wednesday, December 17, 2003.
Okay, is there any doubt where I plan to be for about 12 hours from Tuesday December 16 to about 2 in the morning on December 17? Will there be chamberpots under each seat, or will I have to bring my own?

Return of the King trailer...awesome

in
The new LOTR: ROTK trailer is available to download online now in a beautiful 20Mb Quicktime format. Look to OneRing.net for updates on the best places to find it.
The Matrix Revolutions trailer was nifty, but the ROTK trailer is awesome. If it doesn't get you pumped for the last segment of this, the greatest movie fantasy trilogy of all time, then you're already dead.

I feel...so cold...I see Blue...

in
Yeah, it was funnier when Will Ferrell said it in Old School. My throat tickled yesterday, and during the night a full-blown flu attack erupted. I tossed and turned most of the night, shivering yet feverish, in cold sweats. In the morning, I couldn't really talk, my throat was on fire. Most of the morning I was groggy and would occasionally pass out for 10 minutes at a time.
By mid-day, I wasn't quite as woozy. I don't know what's going on in my body, but I like to think of it as all sorts of alarms sounding, emergency defenses kicking in, white blood cells like stormtroopers marching off to battle.
What a year for U.S. Postal, huh?
I received a copy of the soundtrack to Lost in Translation in the mail Saturday, purchased off of Amazon Marketplace, so what better activity in my state of delirium than to chill out to awesome synth tunes like Alone in Kyoto by Air or Tommib by Squarepusher or Girls by Death in Vegas. But when I stuck the CD in my Powerbook to rip it onto my iPod, the Powerbook spit out some error message and coughed up the CD. I looked on the CD case and it said something about how this was a promotional version of the CD and had some wcp encryption that would render it unreadable by computers and many car stereos. How frustrating. So I own the music, but not really?
By evening, I felt up to meeting Ted for dinner. Ted's at Microsoft now, and way way back in the day he was the first manager I ever had, when I was in consulting. He spoiled me by being a really good manager. He showed me some great photos of his two kids, and I remarked how stylish and professional they looked, all black and white and set against pure white backgrounds.
All my kid photos were shot at Sears. Here's Eugene in the cowboy outfit, with a faux canvas mountain range in the background. Giddyup. Here's Eugene in the sailor outfit, set against the white clouds in blue sky background. Here's Eugene in the brown corduroy suit with orange dress shirt, color palette matched to the faux autumn leave background. There were a million background, and the photographer would just yank one after another down like window shades. The resulting photographs won't win any awards, but I love them anyway.
And though I don't have kids, I can understand why parents love showing people photos of their kids. They're ingenious and demanding little things, advancing so rapidly in size and intelligence and understanding. The same impulse exists for travellers who want to show off slides from their trips. The modern day slideshow is the Ofoto photo album. I receive seemingly one or two Ofoto slideshow album announcement every week, some containing hundreds of photos, many badly shot. And while I must admit to rarely opening any of them, I understand and can empathize with the impulse to share, to want communion over and validation of personal history. If I weren't so self-centered I'd click through every one of those Ofoto pics.
Sometime soon I'll have to have that cyst removed from my sinus. It means cutting a hole in the top of my mouth, and a week of not being able to speak. On the positive side, the liquid diet should do wonders for my waistline.
"Sometimes I pretend I have only 10 seconds to live." Noel, from All the Real Girls

Cubs win!

in
There's nothing like playoff baseball. Football and basketball are exciting, but when the Cubbies make the playoffs, my life takes on new meaning. This is an annual occurrence for Yankees and Braves fans, but for Cubs fans it's like going to a bar with your buddies and bringing home the hottest girl in the joint. On rare occasions it happens, but even when it does, it's so unbelievable that you know you should just count your blessings, but before long you think that you deserve it, setting up the the inevitable heartbreak.
The only negative: I ordered Fox Sports Net this morning, just to watch the Cubs games. I got all settled in my sofa, food and remote controls within reach, and switched to channel 639 a few minutes before game one of the doubleheader. And then the clock hit 10:00am, and the screen went black. The games were blacked out in Seattle, in favor of the meaningless A's Mariners game. Puh-lease. I cradled my head in my hands, disgusted.
I tried desperately to order MLB's streaming video and audio feeds online, to no avail. Not surprising, as MLB.com is a terrible website. Instead, I had to track most of game one on a lousy Internet applet. How ridiculous is it for me to be shouting at my laptop screen, especially when Dusty left Prior in game one past 130 pitches.
First the Astros lost--thank you Brewers!!! The Astros lack of starting depth finally caught up to them, having to start Robertson and Villone in back to back games. And with Prior going, if the Cubs could just muster a couple runs, say, 4 of them, then things would be hunky dory.
Game two was over quickly, as the Cubs jumped all over Vogelsong for 6 runs in the first two innings. I wasn't home to see highlights of the celebration, but I knew it was essentially over. The Astros had choked big time, and if the Cubbies didn't finish them today then Wood would have sealed it tomorrow.
The Cubs still have to be the longest shots going into the playoffs b/c of their weak offense, but if Wood, Zambrano, and Prior's arms are still functional after so many 120 pitch outings, then of course the Cubbies have a chance. Ortiz, Hampton, and Maddux just don't scare you as a front three, and Smoltz has just recently come back off of the DL. The Cubs were clearly outclasssed the last time they faced the Braves in 98, but this time they have a better shot. That Braves offense is scary, but the best of offenses can be shut down.
When was the last time a Red Sox-Cubs World Series was even a possibility? Would that not be the highest rated World Series in history? If it happens, I'm going to every game, that's all there is to it. I'll sell my car if I have to.

Intellectual cat fight!

in
Read about it in Talk of the Town in this week's New Yorker, and as with everything, found the evidence online. Where's Michael Buffer?
Main Event: Snotty and renowned investor Jim Rogers vs. snotty and self-righteous Harvard Business School student in dueling e-mails
Isn't intellectual warfare glorious? And we thought all we had to enjoy was Noam Chomsky making his audience members cry by ridiculing them.