Bateman...or Batman?

At the end of this Batman Begins trailer, Christian Bale quips, "Guy dresses up like a bat clearly has issues."

James and I immediately thought the same thing: that brief clip looks and sounds like Patrick Bateman, Bale's character in American Psycho (what's this, a Killer Uncut Edition DVD of American Psycho on the way in June?!). We're huge fans of both Bale and American Psycho, and the symmetries between the characters Bateman and Batman/Wayne (both wealthy urbanites have two identities, one of them being dark and psychotic) are so beautiful that the casting of Bale as the lead in both movies seems like more than coincidence.

That led to a e-mail exchange of imagined Bateman as Batman dialogue, one of them being simply Bateman, verbatim (btw, I'm not guaranteeing these are funny, but they're certainly more amusing if you hear them in your best Patrick Bateman voice):

"Robin gets his costume from the same designer as me, though I have a slightly better cape."

"Owen has mistaken me for this d***head Clark Kent. It seems logical because Clark also works for DC Comics and in fact does the same exact thing I do and he also has a penchant for caped costumes."

"You'll notice that my friends and I all look and behave in a remarkably similar fashion, but there are subtle differences between us. Green Lantern is the biggest a**hole. Flash is the yes man. Hawkman is the most wired. I'm the best looking. We all have elaborate costumes."

"There is an idea of a Bruce Wayne, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable, I simply am not there."

An early iteration of the Batman outfit

"Aquaman? Oh yeah, he's part of that whole Justice League thing. Aside from being a closet homosexual he probably does a lot of cocaine. You know, that whole Justice League thing."

"Alfred, it's Wayne, Bruce Wayne. You're my butler so I think you should know: I've killed a lot of people. A couple goons in an alleyway, a guy dressed up like a scarecrow. I left him in a parking lot behind a Krispy Kreme. I killed Dick Grayson, my old sidekick, by accident. I killed this clown called the Joker with a ninja star shaped like a bat, I had to, he was going to kill all these people. I killed this old fat guy with flippers who calls himself the Penguin by running him over with my Batmobile. His body is dissolving in Gotham river somewhere. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of it, you can watch them in the Bat Cave. I did this while, um, dressed up as a giant bat. I'm not sure how much longer I can get away with this. I guess I'll uh, I mean, I guess I'm a pretty, um, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy. So, if you have time tomorrow, meet me in the Bat Cave, keep your eyes open."

Superman: "Good coloring."

Batman: "That's ebony. The chest plate coating is a kevlar titanium composite."

Wonder Woman: "Kevlar titanium?"

Superman: "It is very cool, Wayne. But that's nothing. Look at this. Blue lycra full body suit, red accent speedo goes over the top, matching red cape and boots. What do you think?"

Batman: "Nice."

Wonder Woman: "Jesus. This is really super, Clark. How'd a nitwit like you get so tasteful?"

Batman (v.o.) "I can't believe that Wonder Woman prefers Superman's outfit to mine."

Batman: "When I see a pretty girl walking down the street, I think two things. One part wants me to be real nice and sweet and treat her right."

Superman: "And what did the other part think?"

Batman: "What she'd look like in a Wonder Woman outfit."

"My nightly bloodlust has overflowed into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip."

"Two things. One. You can't bleach a Batsuit. Out of the question.

Two, I can only get this suit custom made. This is a very expensive

suit and I really need it clean. Understand?!?!"

On a similar note, Samuel Jackson's Mace Windu would've been 10X more endearing if he was, well, the cussing, angry Samuel Jackson (this old Top 10 Things We Want to Hear Samuel L. Jackson, JediMaster Mace Windu, say in the Star Wars Prequel list still holds true for Episodes II and III). One can only dream that such line readings will be included on a future, R-rated special edition box set of the Star Wars Ep 1-3 trilogy DVD.

On a less similar but still related note, Liam Neeson really has cornered the market for sage teacher to future heroes, hasn't he? Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Kingdom of Heaven, Batman Begins. He's taken the baton from Mister Miyagi and shows no sign of letting go.