David Letterman is a cool dude. Here are some excerpts from
his speech on Monday night during his show, when he announced
that he would stay at CBS:
"You folks came on a good night -- I'm still here."
"I woke up this morning and had to check (the) New York Times to see where I was working today."
"This is a very interesting time right in the middle of a very tricky contract negotiation. CBS, all of a sudden they can't kiss up to me enough -- it's crazy. I finally got a get-well card for my bypass surgery -- two years ago -- crazy."
"I figured out what I'm going to do. I'm going to get a face lift, then I'm going to Fox News. That is exactly what I am going to do."
"Can you believe there are two networks fighting over this crap -- crazy, ain't it?"
"I recognize that what I am going to talk about is ridiculous when you consider what happened six months ago, when New York and Washington, D.C., were attacked. Compared to that, this is all trivial, pointless and downright silly."
"Paul (Shaffer, the show's musical director) and I came over in 1993. We'd been fired from NBC. CBS was nothing. From 11:30 on, the rest of the night there was nothing but `Gunsmoke' all night long. And we were able to build something."
"A couple of months ago -- my contract is going to be finished in August -- I get a call from the boys. They say we have to negotiate. I say fine, negotiate. There's been good times, and we've had fistfights. I'm not speaking figuratively, I'm speaking literally -- I actually punched some executives."
"We get a call from another network, and, apparently, the guy had been drinking. He says come on over, and I'm thinking he is nuts. Turns out it's ABC, and they are serious. The more I talked, the more I realize they are serious, and they have all the damn money in the world. I get a call from Regis saying he would be available for sex. Isn't that odd? And then it got crazier and crazier."
"I just need to say a word about Ted Koppel. He has been on this show three or four times, and to me he has always been a gentleman, a great guest and very funny, really funny. Back in '79 he began on `Nightline,' started out doing nightly reports on American hostages in '79. The point is, his contributions to American culture speak for themselves. He is one of a very small group that represents the highest echelon of broadcast achievement. Ted Koppel at very least deserves the right to determine his own professional future. Absolutely no less than that."
"So what I have decided to do -- and this has not been a very easy decision for me -- I have decided to stay here at CBS. (Applause) The morons running this network think there won't be fistfights. By God, there will be fistfights, and that's too bad. I would like to finish my career -- a week from Tuesday -- at CBS."
"I just want to say a word about the folks at ABC. I would rather ride naked on the subway than go through what these people had to go through. To me they were gracious and generous and very, very patient. Whatever you decide to do at 11:30, I wish you the very best. And my personal hope is that it will continue to be occupied by Ted Koppel and `Nightline' for as long as that guy would like to have that job -- that is just the way it ought to be."

Jon Stewart was considered as a potential replacement for Dave had he moved to ABC. Jon Stewart has good things in his future. He's a funny dude.
P.S.: David Letterman signed a 5 year renewal with CBS. He stands to make $150 million over the life of the deal. He's a cool dude. But don't feel sorry for him.