The Onion, The Chicago Tribune

Headline: Nation Finally Shitty Enough to Make Social Progress

Half satire, half brutal truth.

"If Obama learned one thing from his predecessors, it's that timing means everything," said Dr. James Pung, a professor of political science at Princeton University. "Less than a decade ago, Al Gore made the crucial mistake of suggesting we should care about preserving the environment before it became unavoidably clear that global warming would kill us all, and in 2004, John Kerry cost himself the presidency by criticizing Bush's disastrous Iraq policy before everyone realized our invasion had become a complete and total quagmire."

"Obama had the foresight to run for president at a time when being an African-American was not as important to Americans as, say, the ability to clothe and feed their children," Pung continued. "An election like this only comes once, maybe twice, in a lifetime."

My sister wrote me an e-mail this morning to let me know that the Chicago Tribune sold out in 20 minutes. She was at a sundry shop in her office when someone walked in with 10 papers, and she slide tackled and roundhouse-kicked a few people to grab a few copies. I'm going to frame that baby.