Crap day. Couldn't find my credit card this morning. Same one I've used for years, and one I've memorized. Having to cancel it and get a new number would be a royal pain. Lost one of my bike gloves, too. How can things like that just disappear? Got to the office, gave a crappy presentation. Felt stupid. Left the office and walked outside, and my allergies went crazy. My nose has been running like Lola all night.
Whenever I feel stupid, I dive into this downward spirals where I look at more and more things that make me feel more and more stupid. There's this side of me that will always feel like an idiot because my dad will always be smarter than me. I can't understand two words in his doctoral thesis.
This feeling of stupidity is infuriating because it shares space with an ultra-competitive, hyper-impatient maniac, my Hulk alter-ego, if you will. It manifests itself a lot when I'm not around others.
On Saturday I went for a bike ride. I'm woefully underprepared for my trip to France this year because I didn't ride after I hit that stupid dog late last year, and I didn't have a bike with me during my sabbatical. So people were passing me left and right. They'd say hi, those damn tall, skinny people with super long thigh bones to use as levers to turn their cranks. I'd smile and say hi, and then when they were out of earshot I'd start cussing like a sailor. I wanted to pick my bike up and throw it into the Lake. The whole ride was one long, boring suffer-fest. Then Sunday I went to the driving range to try out the new swing that my golf instructor has taught me. I couldn't get a ball in the air. I wanted to take my driver and pound it into the ground until the head flew off. Golf is not a game that forgives anger and frustration and adrenaline. It requires zen.
I'm feeling like Nick Nolte looks here. You'd think I'd mellow out with age. No, it just gets worse because your spirit stays the same but your body degrades rapidly. If my brainpower has peaked I'm going to kill myself.