The Onion: Saddam may be dead

I'm sure a similar reaction awaits me on my first day back in the office.
Early analysis indicates SARS may have come from a virus that causes bronchitis in birds.


Sosa joined the 500 homer club on Friday night with a blast to right. How do you do that double chest thump blow kiss chest thump blow kiss thing in ASCII? Gotta give the man his props.
Sosa always had a fair amount of power, but I admit I didn't think much of him when the Cubs nabbed him from the White Sox for George Bell. Unlike someone like Barry Bonds, Sosa did not come to the majors fully formed. He was a free swinger, with all the tools of speed and power but no discipline. Very few hitters develop plate discipline late in life, but miraculously, around the age of 30, Sosa suddenly became a big, patient power hitter. As soon as he stopped swinging at every high fastball and every breaking ball down and away, pitchers had to come in with the fastball, and with his newfound toe tap to get his weight moving properly he started punishing balls to all fields. He has the most opposite field power of any right handed hitter I've ever seen (his 500th homer was an example, a line drive blast to right on a day when everything Griffey hit that way was knocked down by the wind).
Sosa's no longer fast, and he's not going to win any gold gloves in right, but he more than makes up for it with his offensive production and hustle. Plus, unlike Bonds, who's just an ass, Sosa's very generous with the fans and with his charities.
Hee Seop Choi has very good plate patience, as does Mark Bellhorn. They just don't swing at balls. Very refreshing. Corey Patterson still hacks at anything from head to ankles--he needs to learn from Sosa. Tools + plate discipline equals superstardom.